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tigers4trace current archive profile rings design host trishapaints ninjadave ktmumbles belle-dancer xanthis flowerdrop Last Five school days - 2005-01-26 a little phone call - 2004-11-19 I want to live in a house - 2004-11-01 UPDATED!!!!!!!!! - 2004-10-14 We're singing the songs - 2004-09-23 |
The boy whose shoulder I borrowed nearly 2 months ago is now my boyfriend. I have never had a boyfriend. Unless you count the boy who lived 40 miles away when I was 15 and neither of us could drive. I spent the last month of our "relationship" saying 'uh-huh' while the phone was pulled away from my ear. I gave him back the earrings he gave me for Valentine's day. Perhaps there was something inherently offensive to cupid in that move; and perhaps that is why it has taken over 10 years before someone has 'liked me liked me.' He gave me a journal the other day. Because he knows I love to write. It has a Chinese character in the lower corner, and a magnetic flap that makes a satisfying 'thop' when it closes. He gave it to me so that we could both write in it. I have a sinking suspicion I will take up the lion-share. If you are reading these things for the first time, and are as shocked at hearing these developments as I was at their actual development--please accept my deep and heart-felt apology. It's just been sort-of fast. (I'm thinking of you in particular Trisha Wheeler whom I love and miss). When I was in the deliberation stage, I wrote this poem about the situation... How do you say goodbye when you know the very next morning you will say hello? And there will be kindness. And how do you judge someone for their doubts, when the very same questions roll around in your own mind? And how do you wait for God's best... And why is God's best not the kind man who respects you gently and wants to hold you tenderly? And how do you say no. Go. When you really want him to stay? And how do you hold to it when you see him again the very next day? how? ------ That was during my torn stage. I have since been given more pieces to fill in the important holes in my puzzle. Though there is still great risk. I wanted to write this evening. To tell you that I'm sometimes scared as hell. To tell you that my new favorite song says, "We're breathing the breath, that You gave us to breathe...to worship You." To whine because I stayed up too late. To celebrate that I got to stay up too late. To share that I read about the Bruderhof community this morning, and wanted to know and understand community again. To give myself to something so noble. "And we're singing the songs, with the very same breath...to worship You." Thank you "gluinthings" I got your note. You honor me. And I too appreciate nudity above most other noble endeavors. My work day is over. I was temporarily lost in the animation on the windows media player on the computer screen. But now I will sign off with love. -trace ps. He thinks I'm beautiful. |