If I dedicated entries, this one would be for my mom.

I cried with her on the phone on my way to work, after getting a cavity filled. I had to pay for it because I wanted white fillings instead of silver.

Anyhow...I like that I can call my mom and cry with her on the phone. And when she asks me if I'm driving, and tells me to pull over, it's because she's scared that I won't be able to see real well through my teary eyes. It's nice to know that someone cares that you don't run a red light or something because your eyes are running down your nasal cavity.

I love my mom. She's the most amazing woman I know.

She told me that she would come visit me when I move to China.

Speaking of China, I turned in my application. I am now officially on the track for leaving to a university far, far away, for 2 years, if I so choose. Sometimes it doesn't seem too bad; sometimes it scares the hell out of me.

Somebody asked me the other day, "Well, what does God want you to do?"

It made me sad that I didn't know.

I miss the girl that would stand, with her arms raised to the sky, face upturned and eyes closed, and, in a very emotional moment scream to heaven: "Lord have your way in me..." or any number of other such announcements. But I meant them.

It's harder for me to say those today. Because today, unlike on those yesterdays, I know what it feels like to be alone...left...unaccounted for. I hadn't felt that before, not like this.

But I still get on my knees, and beg for the God of Light to fill me and use me. And I think, "becoming like Him in His sufferings..."

The writer of Hebrews tells us that it was God's perfect will that Christ should suffer, and in so doing, set us free from the fear of death to which we were captive.

Well, I hope you're ready China...because I think I'll be coming soon.

Thank you for reading this.

-Tracey